Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
