WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
