my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
