So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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