He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
