my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
