Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
