I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
