I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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