once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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