A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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