Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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