11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
