If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
That accounts for only three of the penises
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
