Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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