I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
