I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just invented taco cereal.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize