your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
