If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
