drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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