i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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