I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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