I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
