Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
