I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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