youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
