I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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