Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
