how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
His hands were made for my vagina.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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