Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
