I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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