I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
