im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
