I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
