So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
