what day is it and did you see me today?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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