The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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