just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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