he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
