I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
