Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
