if only i could text you this smell
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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