I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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