i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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