I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
