I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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