If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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