I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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