The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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