Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
