Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
