you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
