Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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