The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
