I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
