I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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