saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
